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Balancing Authenticity and Vulnerability
🗂 This Week in Work in Progress
Status Update: With no warning, I went MIA for six weeks. Mea culpa. Here’s how my determination to be authentic battled my fear of being too vulnerable (whatever that means)... resulting in paralysis. I’ve missed you guys!
Inspiration: It’s impossible to be authentic without being vulnerable. It’s also worth the risk.
Lighter Note: There be dragons – and other dangers – out there in the universe.
🔔 Status Update
I’m writing this on Halloween – a day when we face our fears. We make light of them. We even become them. Today, I’m starting a process. I’m facing my fear of being too vulnerable by being too authentic. Baby steps. Let’s see how it goes…
Anyone who’s relatively open has experienced a vulnerability hangover – that “morning after” realization that decreased impulse control (alcohol induced? oxytocin-induced?) resulted in over-sharing. Those moments are not pleasant. But they’re made even more poignant when they live online or in others’ inboxes for…well…the remainder of all time. A newsletter is an extremely exposed place to say too much.
The reality is that I’m in the midst of a growth spurt. My very foundation is as disrupted as the soil surrounding a sprouting plant. Upheaval in two areas of my social world (home and friendship) has rattled me.
Social support is the number one factor in physical and psychological health, longevity, and well-being. Change often hurts and shake-ups in aspects of community are destabilizing.
On to the whole nine yards…
Unmoored
I was scheduled to move to Lisbon in April 2020. Pressing pause on my nomadic existence, I was ready to plant myself in a new, permanent home. This master plan was waylaid multiple times due to the pandemic and travel restrictions. My September excursion to Portugal was a long-awaited scouting trip.
“Yay!” I thought. “Finally, moving toward moving. My new home awaits!”
My friends, please imagine the sound of screeching tires, as a car attempts, unsuccessfully, to avoid a crash…
I no longer like Lisbon, and I don’t want to live there. The whole vibe has changed in intangible ways that defy description. Did the pandemic impact the cultural climate? Or is this what happens years after a location becomes the “it” place to move? A combo of the two? Who knows. But every repeat tourist I spoke to said the same thing: Lisbon feels icky now.
In fact, Portugal no longer suits me at all.
My priorities have changed.
Three years ago, I was clear on my next-home criteria. Nowhere on the list was access to a spiritual or Jewish community. I felt little connection to my Jewish roots and planned to start a mindfulness meditation community if I landed in a place where one didn’t already exist.
But during these past few years, I’ve had profound Jewish spiritual experiences. Moving to a country where the entire population of Jews is 1000 – a country that expelled or exterminated it’s Jewish population multiple times in its history…well, that just feels wrong. Moving to a place where I’m an oddity (said a food tour guide: “I just met my first Jew! I’ll introduce you.”) and living in an instant othering scenario holds no appeal.
I am now officially unmoored: without a base to call home.
But at least I haven’t sacrificed my authenticity to live in a place that’s no longer a fit.
Unfriending
The October portion of the trip was to be spent in The Netherlands, on a psychedelic retreat. I was excited to participate in a study of the impact of psilocybin on therapist effectiveness and equally excited by the potential benefits for me, personally, of a psilocybin journey. Even better, I was participating in the study with a friend of nearly thirty years.
The plan was to spend several days together as Amsterdam tourists prior to the retreat. Woohoo!
A fight was practically predictable, given the stress of long-haul travel, jetlag, and the inner turmoil that often precedes psychedelic retreats. Arguments are inevitable in relationships anyway, and navigating conflict together is actually a great way of deepening a relationship in the long run. But the players all need to be willing to play – to remain present in the midst of difficult feelings and openly discuss concerns. In this case, I was on the ball court alone.
The upshot is that I suddenly saw my friend clearly. With a string of “mean girl” behaviors befitting a teen, she forcibly removed blinders I’d cultivated to keep the relationship alive. I saw her. And I saw how she treated me when the going got tough.
In fact, I also saw myself more clearly. This relationship would have ended many years ago if I hadn’t spent so much energy twisting myself up into a pretzel to accommodate my friend’s needs. I’d spent decades sacrificing my authenticity to preserve the attachment.
Surrounded by charming canals, streaming sunlight, and a vibe more resonant than Lisbon, my 30-year friendship suddenly imploded.
Little discussed fact: psychedelic therapy so enhances the drive toward authenticity that it reduces a person’s capacity for dissonance. This is a case in point. After a year of this work, my willingness to preserve this relationship at all costs by morphing into someone other than myself has dissolved. I won’t spend a moment longer with anyone who doesn’t love me and accept me exactly as I am.
The bottom line result of all this is:
I now have no future home and no vision of where I’ll wind up. All while winter is coming to Chicago (and I swear that it’s just as bad as it is in Game of Thrones).
The utility of a long-term friendship has expired. This trip exposed cracks that I had been steadily papering over for a long, long time. It was overdue for an ending. But it’s a painful loss, all the same.
I do feel like I’ve been slightly pulverized in this process, but I also am doing surprisingly well. When I imagine moving to Lisbon and thendiscovering it’s not a fit, Halloween shivers run up and down my spine. This is a much better outcome! Suddenly, I feel lucky.
Regarding the former friend…I feel sad but relieved. Onwards, authenticity. Building new relationships is a lifelong endeavor. And shaking off what doesn’t serve is an act of self-love.
So, here I am on Halloween, and I’ve dressed up as pretty much all my issues, on public display. Boo! I don’t know about you, but I’m scared 😳
I’d love to know all about your experiences with vulnerability hangovers!!!
Also: Where should I move???
(Criteria: warm, sunny, forested, some Jewish population, spiritual-leaning, liberalish)
💡 Inspiration
"Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change."
– Brené Brown“Vulnerability is terrifying.”
– absolutely everyone
There really is no such thing as being authentic without also being vulnerable. You’re baring your soul. Whether you're revealing deep dark secrets or simply telling a joke, being authentic means being on display…being open…being susceptible to pain. But it also means being open to pleasure – to love, caring, being deeply and truly seen and accepted. Like most things in life, there are two sides to this coin.
I’m thinking of Star Trek right now (because…well, when am I not thinking of sci-fi/fantasy and worlds more advanced, kinder, and accepting than our own?). To beam folks in and out of the starship Enterprise, the ship's shields must be lowered. Defenses not just down, but off. Yep, that’s another truism offered by this deep, deep series that comes off as fluff. We have to flip off the switch to our defenses to truly let people in and to let ourselves out to meaningfully connect with others.
For me, it feels particularly vulnerable to write about aborted attempts at change and navigation failures. After all, that’s my whole spiel - I’m the queen of strategic change. And yet…and yet…there is no change without missteps – inconsequential and catastrophic alike. And who better to teach about the journey than someone who authentically has a difficult time navigating the process?
We don’t get to the good stuff in life if we don’t allow ourselves to be real.
That’s what this quote triggers in me. What does it say to you?
🤡 On a Lighter Note
Let us revel in regret...
Netflix's epic tale of space exploration (🤣), Space Force, decides definitively that “Portugal sucks.” (I’m kidding…calm down…I’m just kidding!!!) 🇵🇹
Winter is coming. Let’s all laugh. Seth Brings Jon Snow to a Dinner Party - Late Night with Seth Meyers. 🐲
Speaking of Star Trek…William Shatner (the original Captain Kirk) alerted scientists to a truth about the astronaut experience: seeing earth from space can make you sad. It’s called the overview effect and is related to confronting the symbolism of life and death head-on. Read about it here. 🚀
If you’re wrestling with authenticity, vulnerability, unknowns, and the perils/pleasures of change, you might like: Uncertainty and the Choice to Change.
🎀 It’s a Wrap
Enjoyed the read? You can share the love with fellow curious minds.
Until next week, take care of yourself and someone else if you’re able.
Lyssa