🗂 This Week in Work in Progress
Status Update: Friendship, community, and the best way to gather – even when you’re not at your best.
Inspiration: Soul friends. Make this your standard.
Lighter Note: Gatherings can be filled with awkward moments, but they don’t have to be. And they can be so rewarding.
🚀 Author’s Note
Work in Progress has migrated to a new platform. Well, not all by itself. I helped. I do think of it as my baby, but it’s not actually alive. Oh, you knew that??? Hmmm…
I’m on Substack now and I moved there because that’s where all my friends are – it’s home to most online writers these days. Since this edition is all about friendship, community, and connecting, this seems the perfect week for the transition.
You needn’t do a thing (your subscription moved with it). I just wanted to give you a heads-up as it looks a bit different.
🔔 Status Update
I returned from my writing retreat a week ago and it was every bit as wonderful as I’d hoped. My messy friend-breakup in Amsterdam left me nervous about traveling with dear friends, so this was healing and restorative. Actually, it was nearly miraculous. Even though our relationships to date lived exclusively online, it was never awkward. Instead, our time together was infused with ease.
I found this dramatically different from the average social situation – lacking structure and filled with awkward interactions that leave many – including (especially!) me – feeling dull, inferior, and defeated. So, today, let’s look at what goes wrong in social circumstances and how to make it right.
Why and How We Get Weird
Even before the pandemic, social discomfort was rampant. The US prevalence of social anxiety disorder (SAD) is 12%, but that has to be a vast underestimation. Most people don’t present for treatment and the majority of those who do, don’t meet criteria for a full-blown diagnosis. A large, pre-pandemic, global study of young people (ages 19 to 26) found that one in three met criteria for SAD. And we all know that the pandemic has made things worse. You don’t develop social skills in isolation!
What’s worse is what we in the meditation biz call the second arrow. The concept is rooted in a Buddhist parable that provides instruction on decreasing suffering and coping with life’s difficulties more skillfully. When something painful happens in life, the parable tells us, two arrows come our way. The first is the incident or situation. The second is our reaction to the first. We usually can’t control the first arrow. But the second arrow is optional. In this case, the first arrow is feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or awkward in social situations. The second arrow consists of the various ways we torture ourselves for having these feelings and for being less scintillating than we believe is required.
I had a long talk with a friend about this last week.
Here’s what you should know about…let’s call her Esmerelda – Essy for short, since I’m making up names. So, Essy is beautiful, brilliant, creative, successful (if you want to define success as making a salary that would impress most people and having a loving relationship), a skilled communicator, kind and gentle, and a master of self-discovery and personal growth. Like me, she lives with depression and PTSD, and some days are better than others.
Newly in a relationship that’s blossoming like a hibiscus, she finds herself in many a social situation with his friends and family. Sometimes, when she isn’t having her best day, that’s challenging. Out comes a sheaf of arrows. (She’s an overachiever, so a simple second arrow wouldn’t do!) She describes herself as going on self-attack and, in our conversation, I could literally feel that pain – not just because she’s creative and describes her experience in a visceral way, but because I’ve been there myself and have traveled there with many a client and friend.
For many of us, this second arrow assault is reflexive. And if everything that happens occurs within an interpretative lens of “I suck” (which is basically where depressed people live), quivers are razor-sharp and make us quiver with fear. In these moments, we forget that…
Thoughts are not facts
Thoughts can’t actually harm us
Suffering is optional (once we have helpful tools under our belts!).
We have no choice about what thoughts pop into our heads, but we have a lot of choice about how long they linger. Attention is a spotlight, and we hold the source. So shifting the light elsewhere – to something helpful – is within our power. It just doesn’t feel that way.
When Essy doesn’t perceive herself as having star quality on a particular occasion (note: that’s how she feels – not necessarily how anyone else responds to her), she feels tired and down. That manifests as a quiet presentation. Next, she becomes preoccupied with what she perceives as her own social awkwardness. I’ve so been there. Have you?
Many of us think that because something feels hard, we’re perceived by others as struggling and awkward. That can lead to distorted thoughts about being less socially skilled than others and feelings of inferiority. This bleeds into feelings of failure and shame.
When we’re in this state, we feel vulnerable to the point of having no skin – like people can see inside us, and know our internal experiences, struggles, and defects. And that produces more shame. You can almost see the cascade – the spiral down of mood and spirit.
First arrow: Tired and down, Essy feels like she’s not profoundly socially engaging. On some level, she knows that things actually went “fine” but she wasn’t “the life of the party.”
Second arrow: Catastrophizing. Old stories – usually forged in family drama and attachment trauma – surge to the fore. Name-calling ensues (pick your poison): I’m a mess, worthless, repulsive, unacceptable, broken, pathetic. The self-torture goes on.
Hey, people, we can be soooo mean to ourselves!!!
What Essy needed that night was permission to be quiet. To be present and listen more, perhaps. But, instead, she held herself to the standard of being scintillating somehow. She wasn’t able to honor her own needs the way she would lovingly honor mine.
Essy also judged the way she was presenting herself and felt she was making people uncomfortable. Note that she was taking responsibility for other peoples’ experiences and for the vibe of the interaction. But, in fact, it’s a system – there are multiple people there.
There must be a better way to gather, where things aren’t so left to chance! Where each of us isn’t stuck in our private silo, thinking we suck. Where the experience can reliably feel good for all.
Well, yes. Yes, there is…
The Art of Gathering
One of the reasons it's so easy to find social situations stressful is that there’s rarely a plan for supporting people to feel connected and at ease. When you stop to think about that, it’s kind of insane. We spend a ton of time creating the perfect location, playlist, or menu for a gathering, but we utterly ignore meaning, purpose, connection, and cohesion. The latter is all left to chance. That’s nutters! Facilitator Priya Parker refers to this as the meaning gap.
Author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, Parker has some sage guidance on reducing socially awkward scenarios. She asks three questions when planning an event – from company offsites to family dinners to…you got it…writers retreats:
Why is this group of people coming together?
What is the actual need?
How might we design the experience to match that actual need?
Here are her new rules of gathering:
Embrace a specific disputable purpose: Even the most average night out has both a purpose and a need. Maybe it’s simply to connect or de-stress. Maybe it’s to learn or to take political or social action. The point is to acknowledge that meaning upfront and find ways to honor it. It’s the guiding path of the gathering.
Cause good controversy: Parker says that “Human connection is as threatened by unhealthy peace as by unhealthy conflict.” Controversy is what makes things spicy while politeness can prevent progress and interest.
Don’t panic! Parker isn’t talking about arguing politics or religion here (unless you want to!). This is about adding just the right amount of seasoning to keep things interesting and engaging.
Good controversy helps people look closer at what they care about when, in doing so as a collective, there promises to be a little emotional risk but also much reward.
One example: during a pre-retreat Zoom meeting with my writing group, I asked if anyone besides me felt anxious about spending five days in a mountain lodge together for our first IRL gathering. This produced all kinds of opinions. Each of us felt differently about my question and their own reactions. But that discussion blossomed into a game plan for the trip that honored our individual and communal hopes and desires for the experience. It strengthened our bond and our readiness for this venture.Create a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules: We live in a global context where we don’t share etiquette guidelines. Unspoken norms create conflict. Pop-up rules allow us to connect meaningfully without having to change individual belief systems. I love this example Parker offers: At a meeting over a meal, whoever looks at their phone first foots the bill. Extreme perhaps, but with everyone’s buy-in, it works.
I found Parker’s book to be a page-by-page, head-slap moment. What she’s saying is so obvious, but I never would have thought about gatherings this way.
The most important thing about any gathering is quality connection. Everything else can be developed once that foundation is built.
So, when your next gathering comes along, consider these guidelines. If you’re the host, make this your next experiment. But even as an attendee, you can keep these ideas in mind.
If Essy rewound the clock to her night-of-many-arrows, she could ask herself about the purpose and the need.
If the real need was to connect and be heard, she could settle into her quiet state and listen with all the empathy and concern she exudes 24/7. And she could rest assured that she actually was a star in that comfortable role.
If the need was entertainment, she could do what I do: bring some semi-controversial facts along and toss them into the discussion. Then, she could step back and watch the sparks fly. Her work would be done! My current favorite? Dark chocolate has now been pronounced just about the worst food for your health. That causes both interest and panic in most people! Fun conversation ensues.
Back to Bend
I wish I could bottle what happened in Bend. I could sell it and make millions but, knowing me, I’d probably just give it away to promote joy, awe, and connection.
I don’t even have a recipe to offer. But there are a few elements worthy of note.
First, each of my friends contributed their special sauce – their talents, skills, and wisdom – to our experience by teaching and sharing their expertise. Functional medicine guru Maymie Chan taught TRE (a somatic body practice for releasing trauma and stress). Christin Chong led journaling and meditation with an eye toward kindness and self-compassion. And healthcare non-profit founder and VC investor Melissa Menke sprinkled us with strategic planning fairy dust. These retreat trainings helped the guides hone their delivery and allowed the students to benefit in the process. It was brilliant, bonding, and boisterous. And, in accordance with Parker’s missive, it brought shared meaning and purpose.
As for me…I did something I’d never done before. I did impromptu. 😱
I like to be prepared. I rarely present a meditation, Qi Gong class, or hypnosis session without a plan. I need to know what I’ve created is specially designed and will land well.
In Bend, without any plan or intent – and without having yet read The Art of Gathering – I spontaneously launched into a kind of induction/invocation on the first night of the retreat. And, equally unintentionally, I manifested a closing ceremony of sorts on our last night. Together, we practiced meditation and Qi Gong, set intentions, drew inspiration from medicine cards, created an altar, and played with an art therapy exercise.
It all sounds so woo-woo for a non-woowoo bunch. But we loved it. Again: this was strewn with meaning and purpose. It also set the container for the experience.
And, for me, it was a massive and unpredicted growth spurt. The universe has been nudging me in this direction for a long time (Lyssa, stop trying so hard!), but I’d been ignoring the call: It’s all in me. I can just do my thing and it will be effective and well-received.
And, what’s also true, is that if we hadn’t loved any aspect of the retreat, we’d have pivoted because there was communication, love, respect, and ease present.
It also seems clear that we unknowingly followed Priya Parker's prescription.
We embraced a specific disputable purpose: to write and support each other in further developing our projects.
We caused good controversy: We each got an intervention at some point in the retreat. We helped each other see where our direction and vision lacked clarity and where we were destined to disappoint ourselves. And we gave each other guidance in building a route forward.
We created a temporary alternative world through the use of pop-up rules. Well, we definitely didn’t have explicit rules, but we did have plans. We each planned to teach something relevant to our work and upcoming work product and the clear contract was that all would participate and give feedback. Not that anyone’s arm needed twisting, but still…
This is what it feels like to feel comfortable and safe.
How do you construct your gatherings? Would Parker’s formula help you create an environment that decreases anxiety and increases ease? Please share. I’d love to know!!!
💡 Inspiration
“A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Think of a close friend you have or have had in the past. Summon them internally. Feel the sensations, thoughts, and feelings of being in their company. Of having them near. Of being in their real or metaphorical embrace. It’s as freeing as reaching the peak of a mountain, as grounding and enlivening as being surrounded by redwoods. And there’s a kind of qi – energy – pulling you into their orbit (and them into yours). True friendship is nature.
C.S. Lewis’ said, “We picture lovers face to face but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead.” This is true and soulful friendship – something poet and philosopher John O’Donohue referred to as “the rarest form of love.” It’s a spiritual relationship – even for those who are distinctly and adamantly non-spiritual. And these relationships are rife with potential for interpersonal and intrapersonal growth. This is the Celtic concept of anam ċara – a soul friend, who could also be a teacher, a spiritual guide and a companion.
We grow in the presence of soul friends. We look ahead together, are awed by the future, and move into it side by side. None of us should settle for less.
That’s what this quote triggers in me. What does it say to you?
🤡 On a Lighter Note
Gatherings can be filled with awkward moments, but they don’t have to be. And they can be so rewarding …
When pigs have no regard for personal space. Awkward. 🐷 ➡🧍♀️
Priya Parker’s TED talk on the art of gathering. 🤝 🤩 🎊
Joe Jackson soooo pegged awkward. I should have known you were only just fifteen/You had a scowl like a Klingon beauty queen/Old enough to stand out but too young to stand with pride//I can still relate to being left so high and dry/So don't cry, you're just at an awkward age. Yeah, I’m still at an awkward age. How about you? 🥴
Want more on resilience? Here’s your next read.
🎀 It’s a Wrap
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Until next week, take care of yourself and someone else if you’re able.
Thank you for letting me relive our trip through your words 🥰
You absolutely have a gift for container creating.