WiP #50 Reacting to Feedback…In Writing and in Life

Decision-Making Algorithms

🗂 This Week in Work in Progress

• Status Update:  An algorithm for contending with writing feedback is a decision-making tool that’s equally fitting for IRL input.

• Inspiration:  Where feedback’s concerned, get out of your own head.

• Lighter Note:  Relax after the editing. 

🔔 Status Update

This is issue #50 of Work in Progress. I’ve been pondering the journey so far and the many lessons I’ve learned along the way. Certainly, I’ve clarified my mission: to help all of us supercharge therapy and personal growth. I’ve also learned a ton about tech and even more about writing itself. 

Today, let’s focus on one of those discoveries: namely, every lesson on writing craft is also a life lesson when considered from a bird’s-eye view. 

The question of how to handle feedback, for instance, is an aspect of writing craft that has intriguing implications for a life well-lived. In writing, you miss all your mistakes without feedback and have less opportunity to evolve. So, too, in life.

Where feedback’s concerned, most of us tend to default to extremes. We’re either too quick to absorb (and even act on) advice or too quick to dismiss it. We’re deferential or defensive. 

As with everything, the better approach is to find a middle way. What wisdom can we cull in order to make someone else’s feedback true to ourselves? 

It’s also important to parse advice quickly to avoid getting stuck in indecision. Without a rubric, writers fail to publish and humans fail to grow and change. 

Here are some guidelines to consider…

Rule #1: Don’t Lose You!

We all have to deal with feedback, whether we solicit it (with a direct ask) or not (through social media comments or an annual review at work or our spouse’s complaints). The starting point of wisdom is this: don’t lose yourself in it. In writing as in life, hang tight to your own voice, style, values, and objective. If the advice you receive doesn’t work for you, let it go.

My friend Drake Green reminded me of a simple preliminary feedback action that’s actually an excellent guiding principle for life as well: “Be certain to set the Google doc to “Commenter,” not “Editor.” 

Oh. My. God. Yes!!! This sounds like tech talk, but it’s so much more. 

For writing, it’s step one. When asking a colleague for feedback, writers provide a Google doc and set privileges accordingly. As a commenter, that person can make suggestions. But if we give them editor permissions, they can rewrite the piece. Giving someone editor privileges is like welcoming a stealth bomber. You come back to your document and you don’t even have indicators detailing what’s changed and by whom. 

This is even more important IRL. Never, ever let someone else edit who you are, what you believe, what you have to say, or how you value your own wisdom. You, and only you, should have that privilege. Accept commentary with grace and charm. And discard it when it doesn’t raise up your own voice. 

Corollary #1: always consider the source. When you’re able, choose your feedback partners wisely. Tim Urban said this best:

"The person giving feedback should: (A) believe in you, (B) be rooting for you, and (C) be completely aware that what they’re reading isn’t your max potential, but you experimenting, gaining confidence, and trying to figure out your voice. Someone who fails any of those criteria is going to do you more harm than good, and will often be the person who makes you quit prematurely and never try again (even if you don’t realize they’re the reason that happened)." 

– Tim Urban

Corollary #2: Hold up your end of the deal by providing clear instructions to your feedback partners. 

In writing, this may look like, “I’m publishing tomorrow, so only give me feedback I can implement quickly,” or “This is my first draft so give me all your reactions and ideas.” 

IRL, this can look like, “I need help solving this problem. I’d appreciate your suggestions,” or “I just need to talk and be heard. Please don’t get into problem-solving mode.”

With this type of guidance, your needs are more likely to be met. 

Rule #2: Algorithms Improve Decision-Making 

I’ve honed my process for receiving writing feedback and it turns out it’s just as useful as an IRL algorithm. 

First, the quick and dirty stuff. With any project, I like to cross a bunch of easy stuff off my list first thing, to build a sense of accomplishment. Small successes breed confidence and optimism. 

Step #1: Quickly incorporate anything that's simple and clearly improves my piece. No analysis necessary. Just action.

Step #2: If something doesn’t sit right – even if I can’t put my finger on the reason – trash it. 

Step #3: If an editor obviously doesn’t like or understand my style or humor, delete all.

Step #4: Likewise, if it’s obvious that an editor is trying to turn me into the kind of writer he prefers to read (change my style, voice, or worse yet, my ideas), nix everything. This person isn’t my target reader, so his opinion is irrelevant.

IRL Translation: All of this is directly applicable to IRL feedback. When it feels right down to your bones, just do it. When it feels wrong, ditch it – especially if the vibe is off and you’re not sure the advisor has your best interests at heart.

Next, the more challenging feedback. This stuff requires thought as well as intuition. 

Step #5: Carefully consider all feedback from editors whose intention to help me and my work is evident. Do this despite my first – often defensive – reactions. 

Stephen King, master of horror fiction, talks about the pain of “killing our darlings” – deleting words, sentences, sections, and even chapters that we’ve fallen in love with but are unnecessary or problematic. Defensive feelings are natural when we’re advised to “kill our darlings.” But kill them we must, for the sake of our craft. So, when it’s clear that an editor is trying to help me improve my work, I listen. 

Questions to contemplate at this stage: 

• Does this suggestion enhance the piece? 

• If the editor feels more detail is needed, will it make my essay even longer? If so, is this extra info necessary or optional? 

• If I cut this section, will my message still be clear?

IRL Translation: When you’re certain that someone generally cares about you, take their advice seriously. Sometimes they see problems that you’re blind to because you’re in love with your idea, plan, or partner. Imagine taking their advice and ask yourself, “Will this enhance my life? Will it sustain me or burden me? Will it keep me on the path of my values, mission, and passions?” 

Step #6: Finally, it’s time for the soul-searching stuff: feedback that goes against my vision but seems worth considering. Bonus: conflicting feedback from multiple people. 

I have no easy advice here. This is where I sit and ponder till I get clarity or say "f$$%@! it" and flip a coin because it's time to publish. Sometimes, I call in a tie-breaker – someone I trust who I then ask, "What do you think of this feedback? Should I listen?" (Gratitude here to my oft-times pinch hitter, Hollie Smurfwaite (BTW, if you’re into paranormal romance, her books are the best! She’s also the queen of craft.)

IRL Translation: Exactly the same. This is where the going gets tough. But it’s also an indicator that this situation is important. We get bogged down when there’s a lot on the line, and sometimes that’s the best thing that can happen. 

That tech mantra “Go slow to go fast” comes to mind. Sometimes we need to slow down to make better choices. Then, once we’ve taken the plunge, implementation is quick because we’re not fighting indecision, worry, or regret. 

Also, when you need feedback on the feedback you’ve received, you know you’re in complicated territory. Phone-a-friend is the best way out.

How do you handle feedback – on writing or life? What kind of decision-making algorithms do you use? Please share. I’d love to know!!!

💡 Inspiration

“I think it's very important to have a feedback loop, where you're constantly thinking about what you've done and how you could be doing it better. I think that's the single best piece of advice: constantly think about how you could be doing things better and questioning yourself.”

― Elon Musk 

Forgive the source. Hating on Elon is pretty much a national pastime, but he sure has some brilliant sound bytes. Perhaps one of his biggest failings is that his feedback loop is entirely internal. 

If we want to evolve, if we want to become better writers, creators, humans, we do need a feedback loop. We all wear blinders and we can’t see what we can’t see. My friends, confidants, advisors, and editors aren’t better than me. They simply have a different set of blinders and so are able to see the areas that are blocked in my vision. 

So, instead of constantly thinking about how you could be doing things better, borrow someone else’s brain for that input. Then, develop an algorithm for what to do with that guidance, so you can quickly parse it and take appropriate action. 

Sophocles said, “No enemy is worse than bad advice.” That’s true. And when you’re only taking advice from yourself – from your constant internal loops – that’s going to wind up being bad advice (or at least, little new will be on offer). Likewise, external sources can be wrong for all kinds of reasons. So learning to ask for, receive, and parse advice is critical to your success and well-being.

That’s what this quote triggers in me. What does it say to you?

🤡 On a Lighter Note

Relax after the editing …

• George Saunders (best-selling author) talks with Stephen Colbert about having a plan and being willing to abandon it. Good advice for writing and life.  

• Editing is about the power of focus. This applies whether we’re editing an essay or narrowing down how we spend our days (e.g., less streaming, more nature). Have a look at these glorious coral configurations and ask yourself, “How would this piece affect me if the artist had put in twice as much stuff?”

• In F**kin’ Perfect, Pink reminds us to love ourselves no matter what the (internal or external) advisors have to say.   

Want more on writing and how to find your words and ideas? Here’s your next read, Summoning the Muse.

🎀 It’s a Wrap

A warm thank you for reading and a hearty welcome to all new subscribers. I’m so glad you’re here!

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This week, I also want to shower my gratitude upon my Write of Passage peer group – friends who’ve chosen to traverse the writing realm together, though the course came to a close weeks ago. A conversation among us solidified my own feedback algorithm and their contributed wisdom improved my perspective. So thank you to: John Nicholas, James Bailey, Haley Brengartner, Elizabeth Edwards, Drake Greene, Nancy Moorhouse, and Chad Smith.

Until next week, take care of yourself and someone else if you’re able.